Butterflies in the stomach, love in the heart, & a smile on the face

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/31/2010:

 I am loving these photos.  I took them at the bus stop this morning - Emma's first day of middle school - and I kept looking back at them throughout the day.  I love all the photos I took, ones with the bus, the dog, and Annie.  There is just some quality in these two that kept drawing me back.  I think I see a glimpse of Emma growing up here, like I can almost see it as it is happening right here in this moment that I caught on film (do we call digital photos film?).  And, this glimpse didn't fill me with pain and loss and fear and gunky-gunk that change usually brings on, instead I am filled with a calm, excited, happiness.  Looking at Emma as she is caught in this moment brings a sense of relaxed, contented, it-will-all-be-alrightness (I do love making up names for things).

~Just let it be~

More fun than a prince ;-)

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/30/2010:

Guest photographer, gone swimmin'

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/29/2010:

 Paul caught these!

Love them - and appropriate for today as we  squeeze more outdoor fun in the sun out of August, the Sunday of months.

Guest photographer, smooch!

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/28/2010:

 Annie Mae, age 8, snapped these great photos while at Otis.

Love them!
There's a comforting sort of "1970's- found old photos of your parents"
quality to them. 
After years of not allowing any photos to be taken of me, I must say,
it's so nice to see these.  Thanks, Annie!

Go with the flow

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/27/2010:

Going with the flow...

Dog Days...

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/26/2010:

Cherry on Top at Hall's General Store

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/25/2010:

One of our favorite spots at Otis Reservoir is the
ice cream counter at Hall's General Store.

Yummy sweetness!

Shhhh....

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/24/2010:

~Ugly Cake~

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/23/2010:

 My Ugly Cake - designed and decorated with much love and joy
by Emma and Annie to resemble an Ugly Doll.
 I do think those Ugly Dolls are adorable, but not as cute as this cake!

 My birthday is often celebrated on vacation.  It was even when I was a child.  "On vacation" birthdays require a high amount of creativity on the part of the party organizers.  I can remember my family scurrying about secretively, defrosting a Pepperidge Farm cake in the hotel bathtub. 
I think Emma and Annie did a wonderful job with my Ugly Cake.
It topped off a delicious and relaxing take-out lobster dinner
on the lake at Otis Reservoir.  Just perfect!
And, then when home, on my actual birthday, I was treated to more love in the form of omelets with candles, Nanny McPhee, and brownies with ice cream.
I'm a lucky gal!

Thanks everyone!

Old Sturbridge Village Garden 8

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/22/2010:

Phlox along the fence

 (and a Happy Birthday to me)

Old Sturbridge Village Garden 7

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/21/2010:

  Fairy-topia!

Old Sturbridge Village Garden 6

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/20/2010:

Old Sturbridge Village Garden 5

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/19/2010:

Old Sturbridge Village Garden 4

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/18/2010:

Old Sturbridge Village Garden 3

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/17/2010:

 Will a flower a day keep the summer from ending?

 

Old Sturbridge Village Garden 2

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/16/2010:

 Pink!

Old Sturbridge Village Garden

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/15/2010:

  A sunny little yellow flower
mmmm....nice....

Going surfing!

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/14/2010:

As promised, scenes from Sturbridge Village camp

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/13/2010

Cemetery angel

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo for 8/12/2010

Nathan's cemetery angel, with rocks and sand from

Misquamicut and East beaches in Rhode Island. 

We brought sea water as well, a gift from a friend.

Photo taken with Paul's cell phone.

What we didn't find at East Beach

Remember this beach trip?

Eeek!

Because of that experience, for Nathan's birthday, we decided to head to an ocean beach on the recommendation of the boat driver in Mystic.  We chose East Beach, Rhode Island on the recommendation of a dear friend, Monica Dyer.

Wow!

Perfection!
The day was absolutely glorious and here is what we didn't see there 

(and the Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/11/2010):

   Jelly fish!

Annie crafted this one up last night.  

She used the light bulb cover that came down when the ceiling fans went up, her imagination, rainbow streamers, and lots and lots of tape!

I've had "Beautiful Day" by U2 rolling around in my head (as I often do) and this has me thinking of the line, "after the flood all the colors came out."

A little self-prescribed art therapy has Annie working through her 

issues with those ouchy little creatures!

Love that smile!

It is huge and it is heavy...

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/10/2010:

Missing my sweet boy, Nathan Montgomery Bogush
(8/9/01-8/10/01)


"Because the most amazing and biggest miracle of all of this is that somehow, 

the sadness that we carry, the weight of that stone on my back, 

doesn't subtract from the happiness that I have now. 

It is huge, and it's heavy, and it is a burden to carry. 

But I still have this huge love, and this huge happiness, and that's real." 

(Click here for the whole post)

~Charlotte's Mom, Carol McMurrich on her blog The Happy Sad Mama

Today it feels heavy.  

 Huge and unwieldy.    

Today I'm tired.  I heart hurt.  

I am grateful for the rain falling and for the sun having the sense not to shine.

I'd like to spend the day in silence.  

With crying.  

I feel the need for crying.  I welcome the healing release of tears.

Mostly, I look forward to the reprieve that comes after these anniversaries, from watching the clock, from replaying the oh, so, very sad story moment by moment.  A reprieve from the rawness that is so easily tuned to hurt and loss - the work necessary to resist the pull of the trauma, the hole that gapes and calls to me, the exquisite and seductive pain I can touch, the need to tell my story to someone - anyone.

And then, over the next days these rocks 

~ these heavy and huge boulders of memory, love, loss, and pain ~ 

become easier to carry for a bit...

...tucked in the giggles of my children, the gorgeousness of my husband, the hugs of friends and family, and the pockets of my full, full heart.

~Nine years on this path~

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/9/2010:

~Happy 9th Birthday, sweet, sweet Nathan Montgomery Bogush~

Born 8/9/2001, Died 8/10/2001

HLHS

Dear boy,

it would be so lovely to snuggle you this morning and tell you how happy 

I am that you are here.

It would be so lovely to tell you the story of your birth.

It would be so lovely to hear you ask all day long "what time is my party?" 

It would be so lovely to hear you giggle with your sisters because it is so much fun to wear a pointy paper party hat and put one on the dog.

It would be so lovely to watch your daddy make you a stack of birthday pancakes topped with whipped cream and a candle that will probably begin 

to melt before you blow it out.

It would be so lovely to know what kind of cake you would have wanted, what your favorite flavor of ice cream is, and where your mark would go on the moulding outside the playroom bathroom door -- 

the place your sisters chart their growth.

Dear boy,

it will be so lovely spending this day, your birthday, on the beach with your amazing daddy, your beautiful - smart, funny, curious, life-living - sisters, and the waves crashing, and crashing, and crashing, and crashing, and crashing. 

The rhythm of that water, the breeze blowing on my face, the clouds overhead, the sun on my body, the sand scratching my skin, the sounds of surf and fun and family will help me choke back the tears and resist the pull of memories and stay in the moment.  Because in this moment there is love and happiness and fullness 

alongside the hole and the ache and the want.

I am here, arms outstretched, barely breathing, tears streaming down my face.  

I am full and empty, confused and knowing, strong and weak, hopeful and fearful.  Happy and sad are forever bound together in each step I take.

And, I am going to the beach.

"So, this is my life. 

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad 

and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

~ Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

I love this quote, but today...I'm not trying to figure it out.  I don't want to go there.  I don't want to analyze.  I am just so very grateful that it is this way.  Because just the sad, well, that would just pull me under and I don't want to go back there.  So, I am thankful there is a big honking side of happy with my sad. 

Dear boy, mommy loves you and misses you.  

You would love it here with us.  You would.

Happy Birthday, baby.

The Time Traveler's Wife

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/8/2010: 

Paul stepped back into history this week at his annual summer gig volunteering at

Old Sturbridge Village, our "home away from home."   The girls go up as well and do a week of summer camp spending days in the village and nights at Wells State Park campground.  I'll post some of the week's photos in the coming days.  

We've been doing this for years ~ it is truly a magical experience! 

(photograph by Brooke Odgen)

Glad

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/7/2010:

 Glad, glad, glad 

~gladiola~

perfectly captures what is

i can just get lost in these petals

here for a short time

i love them with a whole heart

~joy~

Loving what is

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/6/2010:

 Just so all full up of love, love, love and blessings and gratitude 
to be walking this journey with the most beautiful and amazing man.  
Paul, it is an honor to live my life with you.

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/5/2010:

First Go at the Bias Bag

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/4/2010:

I made this bag using the  "Bias Bag" pattern by Prudent Baby.  It was so much fun to make!  I had some material on hand.  
I paired this pretty linen floral with a denim lining.
I just really need a new machine for smooth and even stitches.  
Some day soon!
The photos leave a bit to be desired, but I'm tired and impatient 
and just ready to get to bed.  

I look forward to making another one and correcting some first time issues.  Just really enjoying the sewing I've been doing lately!
Good night!